Freak outs and being human

outfitbad shoe dayfridaymonday

Last week I made a bad shoe decision and freaked myself out big time about my ankle. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster again because of it. I’m so completely and stupidly stubborn.

Thursday and Friday of last week were actually kinda slow for me. The earthquake that was the huge ordeal with one of my clients was over and now we are dealing with a few remaining tremors – getting product out on time. I left work early on Friday and instead of exercising I went straight to bed and slept.

I did remember a few funny things that happened last week. There’s been a firearms safety session going on because management freaked out about something. I was offered to join in the “lunch training” meeting, which meant we sat around eating food and not really training at all.

Coworker (jokingly): So, welcome to the training session for firearms. Do you know how to handle a firearm?
Me: Yeah keep the safety on and point the gun downwards at all times.
Coworker: Wrong, you wear gloves… to hide finger prints.

We all had a laugh and ate lunch.

Sometimes I think about how much food is such a driving force for interaction in our world. We base a lot of our schedule around eating and actually watching other people eat can be a gruesome experience, depending on the person. But we still do it because we need to and sometimes I feel mechanical about how we must refuel so many times a day. It’s funny to think of myself as being robotic in how I need to refuel. If I were a game character I’d need a green energy bar (food) and a battery energy bar (sleep).

During lunch we talked about foods we like and which ones “don’t like us” so to speak. For the record, I don’t like bananas and I’m allergic to fresh figs and goat milk and mussels.

Around half hour after lunch I watched another coworker go towards the bathrooms. She opened one door and barely had a foot inside it before she came stumbling out, shaking her head. She saw me watching from down the hall and we both burst into laughter. She had been at the lunch meeting as well and we knew: someone bombed out the bathroom. She went into the other bathroom and I remembered I’d heard some rather…unpleasant noises coming from the bathrooms earlier. I wondered if the coworker who said he can’t handle onions had onions in his sandwich.

backpacklunch

 

plum blossom

This weekend was really nice outside. We drove to a park on Saturday and the trail was so uneven Z gave me a piggy back ride so I wouldn’t hurt my ankle.

On Sunday the weather was warmer so we packed up a picnic and went to another park. A family friend gave us a fancy picnic backpack – like a picnic basket. It’s been 3 years since we’ve been married and this was the first time we used it. We stopped at the store to buy cheese, crackers and fruit. I was drinking jasmine tea in the silly plastic wine glass. The backpack does have a wine bottle opener and insulated areas for cold foods.

It was really nice to see the trees blossoms at the park and smell freshly mowed grass. It does feel like spring is finally here.

Hell week

thursday

This was Thursday’s outfit, which is the outfit I tried to wear last week, but got toothpaste  all over. Wearing Yohji shirt and “skants” (Skirt/pants). I wore it as a skirt but then realized I was very restricted with leg movement so when I got to work I went to the bathroom and put my leg in the other flap area to wear them as pants. I’m glad I did because yesterday was absolute hell at work and I was rushing all around the office and shop. I don’t have a photo yet for today because all three of my batteries are dead for my camera. One is currently charging while I write this and drink a vodka cocktail -more vodka than cocktail. And I’m refusing to exercise tonight.

This week started off ok, and even had an upswing on Tuesday and Wednesday, but Thursday then nose-dived into absolute shit. Today was even worse. I was hoping to leave work early because I’ve worked 9 hours almost every day this week, but after today’s developments I was still emailing clients past my work hours and waiting for parts to move on the shop floor. The stress at work this week went through the roof for me. I feel like I’m constantly headed towards the edge of a cliff, waiting to fall, but I don’t know exactly where the edge is so I keep running and feeling anxious about when I’ll reach it.

Z has had a bad week as well.  I went out to dinner last night with friends and he was supposed to join us, but he couldn’t due to work. I brought him dinner from the restaurant and he inhaled that while plowing away on his computer. He was still at it at 10 pm last night and then going again early this morning. Tonight, we are both drinking heavily and eating a lot of wings and pizza.

The EF shoes are working out really well. It’s easy to slip them on and off when I change out of my non-slip work shoes.  I am noticing my toes are a little discolored from the black leather. I’m guessing it’s due to dye. In any case, I have very dirty looking feet right now.

On a good note, I am feeling a lot better about my ankle. I’m still slightly paranoid, but it’s not as sore as it was and while I still need to work on it a lot I’m thinking it really is healed this time.

Buying all the things – black

The mule shoe hunt continues. After a failed DSW browse last weekend I went online and bought a pair of mules from Frye, but promptly returned them because I felt like I’d kill someone by flinging the shoes off my feet and hitting people in the head. It was cold this week anyway so I didn’t really need open backed shoes.

monday

Monday’s outfit: not caring. While these Brass Clothing ponte pants are nice, I’m kinda over them and only hate-wear them when I want a skinny black pant look. Note to self: get skinny black pants I want to wear, not hate-wear.

tuesday sweatertuesday

Tuesday: feeling black. The situ at work with one of my clients starting boiling today and half of a department at work was 86’d for incompetence. The director isn’t dicking around and will cut anyone not worth their salt. Unfortunately, that puts them in the situation of having all production work bottle-neck at their area.

Fun note: Although you can’t really tell too much from the photos, my arm muscles are fierce. I took off my cardigan for a bit and the GM  – halfway down the hall – noticed and said: Damn girl, you’ve got some guns! He asked me to flex for him. Aside from one of the other directors saying I look fit, this was the first time someone’s noticed my muscle gains. I take a certain amount of pride in that, although it’s making wearing skinny/ tight fitted clothes difficult. Most normal clothes aren’t made for muscular people.

wednesday

Wednesday: this day was doomed from the get-go. I had on an all Yohji outfit – all black again – and was so pleased with myself for it. I was actually wearing a skirt! And then I got toothpaste all over myself because I have butter fingers and my electric toothbrush went rogue on me. Looking back on it – yes, it was hilarious, but at the time I was miserable and late to work because I had to completely change my outfit.

The situ with the client boiled over and I was super stressed out most of the day. I felt flustered during our usual call and my boss came in and saved the day – like he normally does. I still have a lot to learn.

thursday

Thursday: work is getting even worse with delays and my client’s company taking their sweet time getting information to us so we can finish our inspections and get product out the door. My boss took me out to lunch to de-stress. He could tell I was struggling and we discussed where the whole situation was going wrong and how we could make it better and to assure me I’m doing a good job, but maybe my sense of responsibility is too severe because I’m taking things personally. I put a lot of weight on myself for being the liaison for the client when even he knows that not everything is in my control.

At first, I didn’t even want to go to lunch because I thought I should stay and work, but I’m glad we went out. Getting out of the office was nice and I was much more relaxed and “over it” the latter half of the day. I even called my client’s engineer to light a fire under his ass in getting us data and let him know: we cannot work on ANYTHING until we get his specs. *drop mic*

friday

Friday: the entire morning hours were wasted by shit data provided by the client’s team. One of his people got back to us at 2 pm: Uh… yeah, so all the numbers I gave you – they’re wrong. *head**desk* Over. It. It’s ALL on them now and I’m done wasting time. I tell our people to shut it down. We aren’t spending another second on this crap until they get their heads straight. A coworker laughed and told me I should’ve had a double scotch last night like she told me to. I said I only had a beer because I’d been drinking scotch every other night this week. The engineering group bust into laughter, saying: she’s one of us!

I started doing more work for another client this week and this new one is a real piece of work – not in the good way. She only hears what she wants and has laser focused tunnel vision where she basically ignores everything you say until you end up saying what she wants. I hate this bitch already. My boss says not to get involved with her game and just give her what the answer is once and let it go. Ignore the rest because it’s not worth getting pulled into it. She’ll continue with her Spanish Inquisition style bullshit but it’s not necessary to answer to it if what we’ve given her is correct in the first place.

And the last nail in this week’s coffin: no admin support for me. The one interviewee we all liked out of 80 applicants took a job elsewhere. We are at square one again and I’m no where near getting the help I need so I can focus more on learning my other roles. FML.

Saturday I got dressed, but didn’t take a photo. We went to see Isle of Dogs and it was fantastic. I’ve learned a lot of Japanese from watching so much anime so when some characters spoke Japanese in the film I could easily get the gist of what they were saying due to lots of words I recognized. It was nice being out with friends for a bit. Everyone has been in hermit mode this winter. We are also trying to resurrect Food Night, which is just one night out of the week (usually Wednesdays) when all the friends get together to have dinner and hang out.

sunday

Sunday (today): I wore my All-Bird shoes but I folded down the backs of them so I wore them mule-like. This allowed me to have mostly warm feet and not agitate my ankle. I went out to the mall to mule-shop again but came home empty handed. The mall was super depressing too. The selection was dismal at Bloomingdales and I noticed half of the Macy’s second floor was completely empty. I wonder if they’ll close that one down. I did see some nice Vince mules, but I knew I could get something more of what I wanted for cheaper online.

I ended up coming home and ordering the Gwen Slide by EF. I like how low heeled they are and I think they’ll go with the majority of my clothes. I find it funny how one of the reviews calls them “vamp” but she means it in a negative way. I think I’m guaranteed to like them then.

My mental state of mind has been very fragile lately. A lot of it has to do with work, clearly, but a lot of it also has to do with my ankle. I’ve had Z examine my legs several times this week and he’s assured me I’m being paranoid. There is no bump coming back on my bad leg. Because I’ve worn the brace for 4 months and kept my foot at a right angle, the natural bumps and creases in my skin around the ankle are completely smooth. My whole foot and ankle area is baby smooth soft as well and I hate it. Wearing house slippers hurt my feet because they are so incredibly sensitive now. And now that I’m moving my ankle and getting the natural creases in it again I’m getting overly paranoid and freaking out because those creases cause little bumps in the skin and that’s just it – it’s just skin, not a bump in relation to a torn tendon. I know that’s what it is and Z has constantly told me so, but I’m still freaked out a little. I do have a little bit of pain, but it’s more due to soreness in that area from moving it again. This week I spent more time doing slow, controlled stretches with a towel. I would only wear my boot in the morning and take it off mid day. I do more walking around at work than I realized, especially now that I’m chasing down more issues with production on my client’s work. I’ll probably do another week of half and half at work and add some different stretches this week to get more range of motion back. My left leg is so pitiful and weak!

This fragile state has also made me prone to therapy shopping. Gretchen’s post about not knowing how to dress herself really hit a chord with me. I feel the same way. I’ve lost 20 lbs since I was married  just over 3 years ago and before, dressing was never really an issue for me. Now, I’m questioning the fit of everything and not sure how I should look. I know I veer on the side of quirky and it’s deliberate because I hate the idea of dressing like everyone else. [side note: i’ve used the word “hate” a lot in this post – again state of mind…] However, sometimes I wonder if I’m trying too hard or if I’m letting mainstream ideals of dress crowd out my natural tendency to be rebellious. I still don’t know. All I do know is that when Gretchen wrote: “I don’t want to wear flowy, drapey, oversized things, I want hard, refined and BLACK.  I want rigid and crisp and clean.  Give me all the Yohji Yamamoto please.” a light switch turned on and so did my OCD button because I went online, spend three days debating on items and yesterday bought 3 black items of clothing from Yohji Yamamoto and Issey Miyake. Whether or not they work out is TBD. It may take a week or so to get them because they are all coming from Japan. If they do work out – and I have a feeling they will – I have planned a post about shopping for these designers because they are all second hand from discounters. But for now, yes, I’m having a moment too – more due to general stress from outside issues. And for now – give me, too, all the black, crisp clothes from Japanese designers please. And a fucking pair of mules.

Quiet time

friday

This was Friday’s lackluster outfit. I was comfortable, but very slouchy.

Things aren’t going as well with my ankle as I’d like. I’m getting too anxious to do too much too fast and need to slow it down a bit. This is extremely depressing for me.

Also, work is really stressful lately. I know it’ll work out, but I’ll be dealing with a very upset client for a while until everything gets sorted.

All of this is to say I may not be posting much because I’m feeling the need to really hunker down with myself and stop feeling so loud. I’ll still take outfit photos, but may just do a weekly roundup.

Hope everyone is having a good holiday weekend.

On being the Pushy Type

Wednesdaythursday

Wednesday and Thursday outfit. I didn’t have the gusto to do a full black and white week.  Also, it was warm today. And, I AM WEARING SHOES.

For both days I did the button-down-as-cover layer and I like how both worked out.

Today I did not wear the boot at all. My shoes did kinda make my ankle feel awkward at first, but that’s mostly because I’m not used to having shoes on that foot in general.

This week has really been a test of my sanity at work. My client clearly doesn’t understand the manufacturing process enough to know that making these parts takes time. That time is delayed when we have issues – like them not sending us good materials to work with. It’s been exasperating waiting for them to respond to our inquiries and I’ve been the one to strong-arm several people on both sides into conference calls to work shit out. I went and apologized to our quality manager today because I felt like I was overstepping my boundaries. He laughed it off and said I was fine, he didn’t feel that way at all, which is good. However, the nagging little voice in my head is telling me I need to stop trying to man-handle all the departments and be more trusting of the people around me to get stuff done. Twice this week two different people in different departments have told me they now cringe when they see the folders for my client (the folders for product jobs are color coded) and I asked if it was because they knew I’d be checking in on them. At first, they said no, but ultimately I think the answer is yes. Part of that is due to the fact that even before I started working with this client the company has had a history of stuff not going right with them for the exact same reasons I’ve been pulling my hair out this week with them. The other part is me being the overwhelming proactive person, hustling to get stuff done. I don’t want to make my coworkers nervous, so I need to reel it in a bit.

I was also given another client to start keeping track of this week and will probably have another one in two weeks time, so now the managers of the other departments may simply cringe when they see me, period. They won’t know who I’m asking about.

On the plus side, we’ll most likely make an offer to one of the interviewees today for the admin role. This will help me out immensely.