First of all, I hug all of you (figuratively) who responded to my last post. I was so emotional – and still am and will be for quite some time – that I was certain no one would respond and I was even ok with that. I just needed to get it out and although I don’t think I’ll relate the entire situation here until it’s all over, which may take anywhere from another year to two years, I’ll just say that it’s nice to know people still read this blog despite my super manic mood swings and how I negative I am right now. I still wake up angry every morning because of what happened. It’s the first thing on my mind each day. We’ve already been dealing with this for 8 years in total thus far. I almost lost it in front of my boss on Monday because he had been away all last week and wanted to know what was going on. I know my parents would say not to give in to the bitterness, but sometimes the bitterness and the anger are the only things to keep one sharp and focused and willing ones’ self on. That’s pretty much where I’m at right now.
I’ve also realized my ankle is still messed up, which isn’t good. I’ve got an appointment with an orthopedic specialist next week. I honestly don’t have high hopes after the last regard specialist I talked to but we’ll see. After spending the entire winter in a boot, this has also been weighing on me emotionally. I want to get back to running again but I can’t.
Yesterday I wore color. Blue and and green colors together, which I think are ok to wear together but I feel “off” because I wasn’t wearing black. More often than not, as long as I have something black on I feel ok. I feel safe in black and not wearing it makes me almost feel like an imposter of sorts – if that makes any sense. I wear a lot of black in general so when I do wear outfits without it, I almost feel like I’m lacking something or like I’m not wearing what’s me.
Today I wore a black shirt and my linen jacket for almost the entire day. My boss had a hey-day talking about my jacket. He said, “Is this a Japanese style or ….” yeah, he’s that guy. Very eye-roll worthy in his comments, but he wasn’t trying to pick a fight with me. He was more entranced by the washed out look of my linen jacket. I told him it was from a Japanese designer (Journal Standard) but it was just a plain linen jacket. I did flat out ask if he was making fun of me and he said no, he was just curious. He mentioned the jacket a few times throughout the day so maybe something about my outfit struck his fancy – or not – I can never tell with him. He’s the type who could be totally raging under a smiling face. I think I confuse him with my style. I’m the hyper masculine type of woman who looks more man-ish with my wardrobe than any other woman in the whole building. He has been known to make comments about my outfits, but not in a bad way. It’s more like he’s curious in how I dress the way I do. In any case, I felt much more comfortable today, despite my boss repeatedly talking about my jacket.
Tomorrow, our department (all 3 of us!) are going out for Greek food for lunch. There have been a lot of changes in the company over the past couple of months and our department is finally starting to get itself together again. We even had a good interview for an admin yesterday. My boss is already planning where my new desk will be situated. In some ways, despite all the shit I’ve been going through lately, it’s nice to see that someone is excited for me to help them move things along.
Shirt from Yesstyle, jacket by Journal Standard, Uniqlo pants.
It only dawned on me just now that I wore two linen items today. Both the shirt and jacket are linen – of very different kinds. The shirt is knit in a jersey way and it’s very lightweight. On the other hand, the Journal Standard jacket is very thick linen and although it’s thick and sturdy, it’s actually extremely soft as well.
A blazer would’ve looked better for this outfit, or maybe a long cardigan in a different color, but I have neither of those so I just grabbed the linen jacket for an extra layer of warmth. I actually thought I had found a need in my wardrobe – a blazer or a cardigan in a dark color – but then I realized I don’t wear blazers at all so it’s kinda pointless just to get one because I thought it would look better with one outfit. I also have on my workout leggings underneath, so the pants look a bit scrunched up more than they normally would.
I’ve been thinking a lot about clothes I want, mostly because I’m restricting myself this month from any extraneous purchases. Nothing like tempting yourself by putting a self-imposed ban on something. The horrendous cyclical nature of setting ones’ self up for disappointment and failure practically writes itself. There’s a whole process that goes on in my head. I obsess over the item to a degree that has me checking various sites for different pricing. Then, depending on the price of the item, I’ll look for something similar to it and price it out. After a couple of days it hits me that if I’m not willing to pay the price for what I want, why should I bother with something less than the item or a kinda-sorta replacement? Lastly, I look back on my own wardrobe to figure out if I have anything remotely like the item and why haven’t I worn it already?
The majority of my autumn/winter wardrobe is dark: navy and black. Lots of black. While I’m not a fan of white in general, I do kinda want some lighter colors in my wardrobe. I’m also thinking of ways to make more summer wear work for the winter – with lots of layers. Although most of those layers are dark… I haven’t worn these Uniqlo pants in a while and it’s because they are lightweight, so I wore leggings underneath to make them work for winter wear. I don’t think I’d have worn them a couple weeks ago when the high was barely 10F, but they’ll work with layers for slightly warmer weather.
Confession time: I’m sick of wearing this boot. My foot itches now because the skin is dry. I put on moisturizer after I get out of the shower, but constantly having my leg in some brace during day or night is not helping matters. It’s kinda sad I’ve gotten so used to wearing it now I can walk mostly normally with it on. A lot of people don’t even notice it when they see me. That’s how “normal” it’s become now. I want my tendonitis to go away for good so I really need to keep it on for a little longer as insurance that the tendon has healed. But fucking hell I really am sick of wearing it and I want to wear other shoes! I’ve been obsessively screen shopping shoes for over a week now.
Last Thursday – Sweater: Everlane. Pants: Fantasy Linen. Shoes: Vivobarefoot Gobi.
Last Friday – Shirt: Yesstyle. Pants: Fantasy Linen. Jacket: Journal Standard. Shoes: Vivobarefoot Gobi.
Today – Shirt: Everlane. Pants: Grana. Shoes: Vivobarefoot Gobi. Purse: Coach.
Things have been an awkward mess lately and so am I.
Saturday the husband and I did some damage to the weed pit situation that is our flower beds. I took the electric hedge trimmers and gave the holly bushes out front a very bad buzz cut. I cut them back much lower than before, but that’s because I’m tired of them creeping up so much. I may work on removing them this week. The flower bed along the driveway was completely ripped up. Some of the plants we tore right out and others we trimmed back to tiny nubbins. It was nice getting a foot of space back on our already narrow driveway. The husband wants to tear out all the plants and put rocks down until we can afford to repave the whole driveway. It would be a lot of work, but at least we wouldn’t be fighting plants when we open the car doors next to the house.
Just now I heard a noise and our dumb cat, Bento, was so worked up from seeing a squirrel outside the window he body slammed into it and then bounced backwards. I saw him at the moment he wobbled to keep balance, but then fell on his butt down to the floor. He then jumped right back up on the window sill and is huffing and puffing, furious at the squirrel outside. He does this somewhat regularly. He forgets there’s a pane of glass in front of him and then slams himself into the window because his little kitty mind is too actively trying to chase the critters outside. I really wonder if he’s somehow given himself head damage from how many times he’s done that.
Saturday: Sweater and Pants: Everlane. Jacket: Journal Standard. Shoes: Vivobarefoot Gobi.
It was cold and rainy. The husband and I ventured out to run errands at a mall and later we went out to a fantastic sushi restaurant that’s a 4 minute drive from our house. We really need to go there more often. The jacket is “new” to me. It came in my Japanese package the other week, but I’ve not had a chance to wear it yet. I’d not heard of Journal Standard before, but apparently they are rather popular for clothing that is similar to 45rpm in style. The jacket is full 100% linen and is the softest linen I’ve ever felt. I would say it’s on par with my bedsheets, which are also full linen and I’ve been sleeping on those for over a year. The weight of this linen is incredibly heavy, so it makes the jacket feel more substantial.
Sunday: Top: Banana Republic. Skirt: Yohji Yamamoto. Shoes: Chinese Laundry.
Sunday I spent lounging around the house until I had to get dressed to go out for a friend’s wedding. I wanted to take photos at the house beforehand, but we were running late so the husband took these photos at the hotel. The skirt is the third item I have from Yohji-sama and it’s crushed velvet with some contrast edging in a sturdy cotton. This skirt can technically be worn as pants as well, but I just wore it as a skirt so the other “leg” go behind me. That leg also has the trim on it and not the main part of the skirt so it makes it slightly asymmetrical. Unlike the other items I have that are labeled Y’s, this one is just labeled Yohji Yamamoto on the inside. The shoes I’m wearing are the only heeled, fancy shoes I have. I think my Frye shoes are the same height. Luckily these shoes run a little big on me even though they are the size I normally wear, so the back didn’t irritate my ankle at all.
Tuesday: Shirt: Yesstyle. Jeans: Grana. Shoes: Lems.
I didn’t take a photo Monday because I didn’t get out of my pjs at all the entire day. The husband was sickly Sunday night and proceeded to get worse Monday. I was mildly hung over and it was hot out so neither of us did much other than lounge around. He binge watched Narcos and I binge played Animal Crossing New Leaf.
Today I’m tired and didn’t put much effort into my outfit. The husband is even worse today. He’s got a low grade fever now so he called out of work. I think because I was such a slug yesterday I didn’t sleep well and wasn’t prepared to go back to work today.