First of all, I hug all of you (figuratively) who responded to my last post. I was so emotional – and still am and will be for quite some time – that I was certain no one would respond and I was even ok with that. I just needed to get it out and although I don’t think I’ll relate the entire situation here until it’s all over, which may take anywhere from another year to two years, I’ll just say that it’s nice to know people still read this blog despite my super manic mood swings and how I negative I am right now. I still wake up angry every morning because of what happened. It’s the first thing on my mind each day. We’ve already been dealing with this for 8 years in total thus far. I almost lost it in front of my boss on Monday because he had been away all last week and wanted to know what was going on. I know my parents would say not to give in to the bitterness, but sometimes the bitterness and the anger are the only things to keep one sharp and focused and willing ones’ self on. That’s pretty much where I’m at right now.
I’ve also realized my ankle is still messed up, which isn’t good. I’ve got an appointment with an orthopedic specialist next week. I honestly don’t have high hopes after the last regard specialist I talked to but we’ll see. After spending the entire winter in a boot, this has also been weighing on me emotionally. I want to get back to running again but I can’t.
Yesterday I wore color. Blue and and green colors together, which I think are ok to wear together but I feel “off” because I wasn’t wearing black. More often than not, as long as I have something black on I feel ok. I feel safe in black and not wearing it makes me almost feel like an imposter of sorts – if that makes any sense. I wear a lot of black in general so when I do wear outfits without it, I almost feel like I’m lacking something or like I’m not wearing what’s me.
Today I wore a black shirt and my linen jacket for almost the entire day. My boss had a hey-day talking about my jacket. He said, “Is this a Japanese style or ….” yeah, he’s that guy. Very eye-roll worthy in his comments, but he wasn’t trying to pick a fight with me. He was more entranced by the washed out look of my linen jacket. I told him it was from a Japanese designer (Journal Standard) but it was just a plain linen jacket. I did flat out ask if he was making fun of me and he said no, he was just curious. He mentioned the jacket a few times throughout the day so maybe something about my outfit struck his fancy – or not – I can never tell with him. He’s the type who could be totally raging under a smiling face. I think I confuse him with my style. I’m the hyper masculine type of woman who looks more man-ish with my wardrobe than any other woman in the whole building. He has been known to make comments about my outfits, but not in a bad way. It’s more like he’s curious in how I dress the way I do. In any case, I felt much more comfortable today, despite my boss repeatedly talking about my jacket.
Tomorrow, our department (all 3 of us!) are going out for Greek food for lunch. There have been a lot of changes in the company over the past couple of months and our department is finally starting to get itself together again. We even had a good interview for an admin yesterday. My boss is already planning where my new desk will be situated. In some ways, despite all the shit I’ve been going through lately, it’s nice to see that someone is excited for me to help them move things along.